BEST MOTHERFUC&$N TAPE MEASURE CALCULATOR.
— Tape Jesus
You say the numbers. I do the mathematics. You cut the board. That's the whole da%$ testament.
GET NOTIFIED WHEN JESUS DROPS.
BLESSED. You shall hear from me when the app descendeth.
GOSPEL №1
SPEAK YOUR NUMBERS, MY SON
Hands full of lumber? Sawdust in your eyeballs? Just SAY it — "forty-six and five-eighths minus one and three-sixteenths" — and I shall perform the mathematics. That's right. I speak fluent motherf&%$in' FRACTION.
GOSPEL №2
THE TAPE SHOWS YOU WHERE TO CUT
The answer don't land in some decimal gibberish. It lands ON A PICTURE OF A TAPE, right where your mark goes. Can't read a tape measure? I ain't judgin', my child. Point where I show you and cut the da%$ board.
GOSPEL №3
YOUR CUT LIST, REMEMBERED
Every measurement, saved in order. Add notes. Scribble a lil' drawing if words fail you. Swipe it when it's cut. Quit writin' numbers on scrap wood and the back of your hand like some kind of $&%#ing caveman.
FOR THE QUIET ONES
TOO LOUD? TYPE IT.
Compressor screamin'? Deep in a basement where signal fears to tread? Slide the tape with your gloves ON. No wifi, no bars, no problem — the mathematics happen on YOUR phone. I don't need the cloud, my son. I AM the cloud.